How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
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I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Oh deer
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.