How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
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I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?