If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
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If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book