If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
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My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
I have a type: disappointing
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
My therapist after every session
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity