*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
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Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?