I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
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My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Stop.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
🤣🤣🤣
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.