As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
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[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea