My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
You Might Also Like
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
That earthquake could have been an email.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
#merica
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.