I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
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jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?