“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
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When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.