When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
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Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
🤣
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Getting married soon just need a spouse
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her: