My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
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*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
i prefer mine room temperature.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true