ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
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is this a threat
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.