Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
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“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves