Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
You Might Also Like
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same