Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
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Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
At least he brought enough for everyone
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?