how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
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Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…