Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
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PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?