There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
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I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
China are probably making all the medals anyway.