*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
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“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.