The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
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In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
For the baby who has everything
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
I hope this email punches you square in the face