Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
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me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
*seductively eats two tums*
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.