If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
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I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Every damn time
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness