if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
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9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Me, flirting😏
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Lucky for them, they’re cute
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Don’t touch that.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping