There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
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Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream