Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
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When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Don’t frighten the programmers!
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”