BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
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Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Reporter: *ports again*
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true