The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
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My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
I have a black belt in leather
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Scream sneezers need love too.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.