My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
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Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
umm…
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket