Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
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i want to work in this restaurant
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
What