I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
You Might Also Like
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
The first one, obviously
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*