I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
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Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it