I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
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So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
man i love columbo
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?