Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
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Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.