*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
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Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Selfie
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting