If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
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Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story