Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
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Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.