I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
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Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.