Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
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I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.