Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
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When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn鈥檛 planned this. He didn鈥檛 have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Based Erika
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON鈥橳 SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
yeah but what if it 饾椂饾榾 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn鈥檛 like 饾槅饾椉饾槀
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*