In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
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I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.