ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
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Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on