“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
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One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl