Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
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i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Always.
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I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?