It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
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[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.