(True)
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hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Dietest Coke
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.