INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
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Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
There is wisdom there.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter