I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
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WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
fired
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
socratic questions
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.