People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
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I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.