My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
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Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
I love snow
– People who never shovel
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.